I've said it
before, and I become more convinced of its correctness by
the day: some of the most entertaining literature of any genre is
found among the Advice to the Young Writer. Most choice among this
type is the Fiction Magazine Submission Guidelines. Such guidelines
are de facto distillations of all the entertainment value (which is to
say,
unintended entertainment value) of the bottom 90% of the
slush pile. These editors do the miserable work of reading the drek;
we reap the rewards.
Today, I direct your attention to
Clarkesworld
Magazine, an online outlet for the big three--fantasy, science
fiction and horror. These are among the types of stories the editors
list as "hard-sells" (as they can't quite bring themselves to state
unequivocally that they will never print one of these):
stories in which a milquetoast civilian government is
depicted as the sole obstacle to either catching some depraved criminal
or to an uncomplicated military victory
talking cats
talking swords
stories that depend on some vestigial belief in Judeo-Christian
mythology in order to be frightening (i.e., Cain and Abel are vampires,
the End Times are a' comin', Communion wine turns to Christ's literal
blood and it's HIV positive [yeeee-ikes! -ed.], Satan's gonna getcha,
etc.)
stories about young kids playing in some field and discovering
ANYTHING. (a body, an alien craft, Excalibur, ANYTHING).
stories about the stuff we all read in Scientific American three months
ago
stories where the Republicans, or Democrats, or Libertarians, or the
Spartacist League, etc. take over the world and either save or ruin it
your AD&D game
"funny" stories that depend on, or even include, puns
sexy vampires, wanton werewolves, or lusty pirates
stories that take place within an artsy-fartsy bohemia as written by an
author who has clearly never experienced one
The guidelines are not restricted to Thou Shalt Not invectives; here's
what thou shalt include in the cover letter that accompanies your
submission:
[I]f you send us a lusty pirate story and happen to BE a
lusty pirate, mention that.
Dang, I could read this stuff all day. Editors are geniuses!
Labels: Fiction