The Fredösphere

I've said it before, and I become more convinced of its correctness by the day:  some of the most entertaining literature of any genre is found among the Advice to the Young Writer.  Most choice among this type is the Fiction Magazine Submission Guidelines.  Such guidelines are de facto distillations of all the entertainment value (which is to say, unintended entertainment value) of the bottom 90% of the slush pile.  These editors do the miserable work of reading the drek; we reap the rewards.

Today, I direct your attention to Clarkesworld Magazine, an online outlet for the big three--fantasy, science fiction and horror.  These are among the types of stories the editors list as "hard-sells" (as they can't quite bring themselves to state unequivocally that they will never print one of these):

stories in which a milquetoast civilian government is depicted as the sole obstacle to either catching some depraved criminal or to an uncomplicated military victory

talking cats

 talking swords

stories that depend on some vestigial belief in Judeo-Christian mythology in order to be frightening (i.e., Cain and Abel are vampires, the End Times are a' comin', Communion wine turns to Christ's literal blood and it's HIV positive [yeeee-ikes! -ed.], Satan's gonna getcha, etc.)

stories about young kids playing in some field and discovering ANYTHING. (a body, an alien craft, Excalibur, ANYTHING).

stories about the stuff we all read in Scientific American three months ago

stories where the Republicans, or Democrats, or Libertarians, or the Spartacist League, etc. take over the world and either save or ruin it

your AD&D game

"funny" stories that depend on, or even include, puns

sexy vampires, wanton werewolves, or lusty pirates

stories that take place within an artsy-fartsy bohemia as written by an author who has clearly never experienced one

The guidelines are not restricted to Thou Shalt Not invectives; here's what thou shalt include in the cover letter that accompanies your submission:

[I]f you send us a lusty pirate story and happen to BE a lusty pirate, mention that.

Dang, I could read this stuff all day.  Editors are geniuses!

Labels: Fiction